Does this sound familiar:
You’re excited about a new book or concept and he/she is barely is interested?
So what does that judging voice in your head tell you?
“If He or she is not growing with me, we are growing apart- I am settling- I need to be with someone that will grow with me and is excited about things I am excited about.”
Perhaps you want to feel more support and encouragement from them and they have a resistant attitude to you changing: maybe they say, “You’re not who I fell in love with; you’re the one changing and don’t expect me to change.” When all you want is to have them accept you for who you are.
These situations are soooo frustrating and I get it! But there’s a lot you can do to improve your relationship even though you’re struggling.
I can really relate to this! When I first started doing yoga and meditating my partner was excited to learn it with me; we had many transformative experiences together and then he decided he didn’t want to do it any more!
I judged him because I felt disconnected, and I kept trying to get him to join me. I pointed out when he wasn’t being present, and he felt nagged and criticized. He shut down and didn’t want to spend time with me any more. So I know what that experience is like!
So let’s cover judgments first. We all have them. If it feels like your partners is judging you for changing or you’re judging them, underneath all judgments are feelings, values, and emotional needs that we can connect with.
If you want them to accept you, then you can model that for them by fully accepting them, their feelings, and their values. Then when they feel totally seen and accepted, you can request that they accept you and your journey.
Part of the advantage of your increased awareness is a deeper empathy for what another is going through, what’s important to them, and a deeper capacity to open your heart to see the depth and beauty of who they are without trying to change them. That is a deep experience of love.
I like the quote from A Course in Miracles that says, “What people do is either an act of love or a cry for love.” That’s not to say we have to take abuse; we can walk away; but if they’re judging us, we can open our hearts and listen to their desires underneath.
So when your partner is upset or they’re sharing what’s important to them, how deep do you listen?
Are you listening for:
- What they value
- What they want
- Why that’s important to them?
- What they’re passionate about?
That’s where the connection with them is.
For example, if they’re saying, “you’re not the person I feel in love with. Don’t expect me to change.” What are they feeling and wanting? They’re probably feeling that the connection is threatened and want to make sure you still accept them. So you can say, “You don’t have to change. I want to find ways of connecting with you that are fun for both of us.”
And if they say, “You’ve been nagging me and judging me and it’s annoying and I’m not going to change.”
Can you be a detective and listen past their judgment to their feelings and values underneath? They probably feel disrespected and want acceptance from you before they can give you the same.
You can say, “I see how I’ve been trying to get you to change and I’m sorry and I can accept you for who you are. He/she is an individual, and he/she needs his/her sovereignty respected; especially if you do want to influence him/her.
If you are wanting them to change, then there’s a part of them that you’re judging. That is a mirror for a part of yourself that you’re judging and since you can see it, you can heal your relationship with that part of yourself and feel more whole and happy with yourself. That’s something I love to do in my 1 on 1 coaching.
Once you’ve heard your partner and validated their point of view, there’s an opening to deeper intimacy. You can then ask for the same listening and acceptance that you gave to them. Once they’ve experienced it, they can feel the value of it and they might feel inspired to listen and accept you in a deeper way than before.
If you want to share activities together, you can be a detective to see what activities you both enjoy.
The point of personal growth is to feel more connected to your higher self, and they might not want to share the same activities, but what activities can you do that help you feel connected? There are things you can do together, so you can get curious about activities that you’d both enjoy.
I invite you to try these suggestions and post a comment below: How did it go? What questions do you have?
If you’d like help feeling more connected to your partner, I invite you to experience a free 1 on 1 Relationship Breakthrough Session with me. We’ll uncover your challenges, create a vision for true love and partnership, and clarify the plan for you to get there. I’m honored to support you.